This is how it is
This is what it’s like
I’ve reached my late 20’s, and the floors are never clean enough
I can’t keep up with the grass- it keeps growing- it’s seeds spreading everywhere while I sleep facing away
Spiders sneak through the old siding of the house- they nibble at the backs of my legs while I dream.
Friday morning they canceled my yoga class so I climbed the butte downtown
The freeway whoosh drives the thoughts of my meditation up to the hills crowned in smoke
They have been drowning in it all summer
Each day the sun burns orange, brightening the night
But every surviving oak tree still twists up proud into the sky seeking safer air
And my heart aches with love for this valley as it burns, as it hates us, as sickens me.
This valley will boil me alive some day. But where else would I go to die by earth’s hand?
This is how it is
This is what it’s like
Here I am: the age I always wanted to be
Is this what I wanted?
Cheap house, cheap clothes, cheap couches. Cheap everything.
And my body tired far beyond its age.
Yet I have made a life for myself where most of the time
I am okay
I don’t get touched when I don’t want to be
Except once a year in a dream
I grow to accept the failings of my body
The healing of my body
The inevitable imperfections of this life
Questions hover around my future
Will the garden flourish?
Will the spiders ever stop biting me in my sleep?
Will I be forced to flee this burning valley someday?
Every year I feel the sun get hotter
Every day I feel my body struggle
Every summer the wind chokes me
Yet somehow, more than ever
I find peace